Introducing my royal highness
11 Apr 2011 Comments Off
in The perfect transsexual speaks Tags: crossdresser, gay, glbt, lesbian, transgender, transsexual, transvestite
I am, quite simply, the most authentic transsexual ever. I am currently 64 thousand years old, and I transitioned in the stone age. I was first diagnosed by Magnus Hirschfeld, but only after educating HIM on what transsexual really means. I actually transitioned very early, as an egg and sperm. I started wearing my mother’s fur bikini (we were cavepeople in those days you know) when I was still in the womb and tried to do my own surgery at 5 months of gestation. Sadly, I was unable to complete the process because I couldn’t get my little hands on a knife. The very second of birth though, I sprang at the cave doctor, snatched away his bone scalpel, and proceeded to do a full surgery on myself. Anyone who doesn’t do this as soon as they are are born is just a pretender to the coveted title of transsexual.
I was severely scolded by my parents for being so perfectly feminine after that. I just couldn’t help how I acted! Of course I was well-versed in all the feminine arts and could perform femininity flawlessly. Gestures and fashion sense are genetic, you know. But my parents didn’t like having a daughter like me so they forced me to go to the caveman psychiatrist, who put me through aversion therapy. Oh it was horrible! Every time I would express my feminine perfection, a small pterodactyl would bite me. Oh the humanity!
I was forced to go hunting brontosaurs with the boys, even though I was quite obviously a girl. They would mock me relentlessly because of my extremely feminine perfectly limp wristed spear-throwing style. As you other two real transsexuals will note, this is something we can’t help. So my childhood was horrible because everyone thought I was a gay caveman, due to the terrible prejudice back in those days.
But life went on and soon I was away from my parents. I met a man, naturally, (real transsexuals are always heterosexual) and we got married. I somehow managed to birth my own children. Don’t ask how, it’s a secret that only a few real transsexuals know. If you can’t get pregnant, it’s because you are just a transvestite. That’s how we know who is real and who is fake. I thought I would let you know, just because I will enjoy watching the scramble as all the crossdressers who get surgery start claiming to be pregnant.
We raised many lovely children, and my parents finally accepted me. The community accepted me, the Cave President accepted me, the whole world blossomed for me and I was totally, completely accepted. You see, bragging about how accepted you are is a very good way to engage in these trans fights on the interweb, and I want it out there that my perfection is nearly without blemish. I say nearly because though I am an accomplished rocket scientist, surgeon, Ms. Caveman America, mother, and all around wonderfully perfect person, I have to admit a failing. Yes, even someone as great as I am has moments of weakness. It’s what makes me more human than you, you see.
Though I was and remain the most skilled surgeon alive, I confess a slip in my perfection at 1 second of age, and the surgery I performed on myself could do with a touch up after having all those children. In my frantic dash to complete the surgery I had failed to proof my vagina against all future events. Yes, yes I hear you now; “How could she, the most perfect, intelligent, accomplished genius of a transsexual ever have made a mistake like that!”
Well, by this time the medical science I had invented had started to catch on and there was this hip young cat who was coming up in the medical world. I wanted to give him a leg up in the business, so I concocted a story about how I slipped in the afterbirth while performing my surgery so he could have an “in” to the medical world and launch his career. (See, I fooled you! I AM perfect just as you thought, and even more so because I was willing to sully my perfect reputation for someone else. Which of course makes me even better than you that I was before!) And that’s how Hippocrates himself performed my revision surgery, technically making me the first post op by a surgeon. So even my surgeon outranks yours.
A few years went by and I caught wind of a sex scientist named Magnus Hirchfeld. After educating him about transsexuals, he was more than happy to rubber stamp my diagnosis. I hated having to reveal myself to anyone, but I needed paperwork for this crazy new regime that was running things at the time. They were snappy dressers, but terribly ill-mannered. Bureaucracy, who needs it right? And that’s how I became the first real diagnosed transsexual.
So as you can see, my Magnus Hirschfeld diagnosis outranks your Harry Benjamin diagnosis. And as we all know you aren’t a real transsexual until some sexologist tells you so. This means I outrank YOU when it comes to being transsexual. I am older, wiser, and much more intelligent than all you spring chickens who came around in the 19whatever’s, waaay after it was fashionable. And that goes double for all you people who just got your surgery in the last few years. I have forgotten more about how to be a proper transsexual than all of you put together could ever possibly know. And that’s why I started writing this thing I am going to call a ‘blog’. (Aren’t I clever for inventing that term? You may worship me at your convenience.)
I felt I needed to write something because of all the nonsense I see on this newfangled interweb. I see all sorts of fakes and silly posturing by crossdressers. I see pseudo-psychologists who can’t tell a transvestite from a transsexual. And I see political dimwits who don’t know that they are butting their thick heads up against the wall with all this men in the ladies room business. And silliest of all I see all these jokers calling themselves “transsexuals” who need me to tell them who and what they really are.
Since I’ve established my transsexual credentials as superior to all of yours, I feel I can start dictating all things transsexual to the rest of you. And you will all listen and believe, because everything that is written on this interweb, every claim that is made, must be absolutely true. Nobody should ever question anything written by anonymous blowhards who make outrageous claims with no evidence.
And you will all believe me because, of course…
I am the most most authentic transsexual. Ever.
